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Watch Jokes

GD1

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Apr 22, 2004
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Maybe this has been covered before but does anyone know any watch jokes? This isn't actually a joke but still funny. Years ago Lang Jewelers in Cape Girardeau, Mo. did my watch repair. Bernie Lang, great guy, was sitting behind the bench when I brought a pocket watch in for him to look at. While I was at the counter he watched me unscrew the back to the movement. He looked up and said, "There are only two kinds of people who screw the backs off their watch case." I said, "Who?" he said, "Watch repairman and idiots." This was 30 odd years ago and I never forgot it.
 

doug sinclair

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The story about the fellow whose Westclox a Pocket Dax, quit. He took it to the watchmaker who,popped the back off while the fellow watched. A dead beetle fell out. The owner said, "No wonder watch don't work. Engineer dead"!

Then the sheep farmer whose watch fell into the sheep dip. His watch quit. He took it to the repair shop, informing the watchmaker that "The sheep dip killed the ticks!"

Then there was the the guy who put a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa because it was a shame to have the inclination, but not to have the time!
 

C. N. Lloyd

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Not exactly a watch joke, but too good to not include it:

Back when the country first adopted daylight savings time, some of the biggest objectors were the farmers that did not understand the concept. Down at the park in front of the court house, 2 farmers were sitting there on a bench comparing their usual hard luck stories.

Boy, said one, this new time is about as aggravating as riding side-saddle on a hog. It’s got my rooster so jacked up, there ain’t none of my hens laid a decent egg since they started saving up all this daylight.

Man, you don’t know the half of it, said the other, getting his Ingersoll out of his overalls, this extra hour of daylight is about to burn all my crops up!

C. N. Lloyd
35 years of pocket watch collecting
 
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mikeh

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Mar 5, 2001
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After completing a repair on a Chinese duplex, one watchmaker says to another, "funny thing about repairing one of these... an hour later, you want to repair another one".
 

Clint Geller

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Since we seem to have expanded the category to time, and not just timekeeping devices, physicists tell a joke about Mr.s Heisenberg's complaint about her husband to the marriage counselor that, "When he has the time, he doesn't have the energy. When he has the energy, he doesn't have the time."
 

glenhead

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When Mrs. Heisenberg asked the good Doctor if he knew where she'd left her keys, he replied, "Sorry, I know too much about their velocity."

Glen
 

doug sinclair

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Alexander the Great set out to conquer Persia. He was having great problems coordinating the divisions of his army which were dispersed hither, thither, and yon. So he told his alchemist of the problem, and the alchemist came up with the answer in the form of a chemical he compounded. Fabric dipped in this chemical tended to change colour with the varying sunlight each day. So Alexander tore numerous strips off his tunic, soaked them in this solution, and gave one each to his commanders who dispersed. Alexander conquered Persia. Thus gave rise to the title Alexander's Rag Time Band! :excited:

Then there was the young fellow with a hearing problem who went to the jeweller to buy his girl friend a watch. The jeweller recommended a Rolex, but the young fellow said they were more money than he wanted to spend. The jeweller said,"Why don't you give her a Gruen?" The young fellow said, "I intend to, but I thought I'd give her a watch, first!"

The young fellow on the city transit asked the attractive young lady seated across from him if she had the time. She answered,"No! Nor the inclination!"
 
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onsite

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After having been told the reason for daylight saving time the Indian Chief said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket.
 
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Steve Settle

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Nov 16, 2005
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Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

Steve Settle
Bloomington, IN
 

Clint Geller

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A temerarious antique dealer once guaranteed a watch to run for, "24 hours or two circuits around the dial, whichever comes first."
 
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neighmond

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Ole left the old country with his father as a child-after twenty five years his father died and he returned to the old streets of his youth. On a lark he stopped in the old horologerie, and lo and behold! There was old Nills, who looked the same as he had since Ole could recall. It was like old home week, hand shaking and reminiscing. "You know" mused Ole "It was twenty five years that My grandpapa, Oskar, left a watch in here to be cleaned." Old Nills flipped through the envelopes on his desk, looked in the safe, and finally on the board, and his eyes lit up: "Ah, yes! I think I will have it ready Tuesday!"

As it is worth

Chaz
 

Clint Geller

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One of the Russian Czar's officials was in a remote area of his country when his watch stopped running. Soon after, walking along the street of a small town, he chanced upon a shop window with numerous clocks and watches on display. "What a stroke of luck to find a watchmaker way out here!" he thought. Filled with optimism he walked through the door and saw an old man wearing a yarmulke, who was sitting at a small table, reading a book and sipping tea. The deeply prejudiced official didn't usually like doing business with Jewish merchants, but he had no good immediate alternative, so he persevered.

"Good afternoon, Your Excellency," the old man politely greeted the official, plainly surprised and a bit unnerved to see such a person walk through his door. "How may I help you?"

The official looked the man over with a dubious frown and produced his watch from his pocket. "This stopped running," he declared curtly. "How soon can you fix it?"

The rabbi smiled and replied, "Oh, I'm very sorry, Your Excellency, but I don't repair watches. I have neither the skills nor the tools."

Thinking he was plainly being lied to, the annoyed minister challenged, "Then who repairs all the watches you sell?"

"Oh, but I don't sell watches, Your Excellency. Or clocks," the man replied in a meek tone.

The minister was incredulous. Looking around the room at the myriad timepieces on display, he practically shouted, "Then why do you have all of these in your window!?"

The rabbi shrugged. "I am but a humble Moil, Your Excellency. I circumcise newborn baby boys in accordance with the precepts of my faith. What would you suggest I put in my window?"
 
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Clint Geller

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When Mrs. Heisenberg asked the good Doctor if he knew where she'd left her keys, he replied, "Sorry, I know too much about their velocity."

Glen
Werner Heisenberg and Irwin Schrodinger were riding along a highway in excess of the speed limit when a police officer pulled them over.

The officer stopped by the driver's window and asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg, who was driving, answered, "Honestly, I have no idea. But I know exactly where I am."

Displeased by what he considered a snarky answer to his question, the officer decided to inspect the vehicle and ordered Heisenberg to unlatch the trunk. The officer took one look, was appalled by what he saw, and stormed back to the driver's window. "Do you realize there is a dead cat in your trunk?" he asked.

Schrodinger replied, "We do now, you @&%$^!"
 

Time Exposure

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One evening a gentleman approaches a "lady of the night" on a street corner. After some discussion to make arrangements for spending the evening together, the man asks for the young lady's name. "Bulova," she replies. "Ah!," the man responds. "Like the watch!" The lady responds, "Well, the price is the same, but the movement is completely different."
 

Dr. Jon

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A man with a very high tech digital watch goes into a singles bar and strikes up a conversation with a woman who notices his watch. He says "Its predictor says you will be naked in 45 minutes." She says "I think not" and he says "Damn thing still has bugs, it's an hour fast."

Man driving his car with his arm out the window to give finger to driver who cuts him off. Car hits bridge abutment and he wakes up in a hospital bed all wrapped up. As he awakes the MD tells him he an obstacle sheared off his left arm. He shrieks "Where's my Rolex!"
 
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Candew

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There was a fellow sitting in a rest room stall straining to go. Another fellow entered the stall next door and within seconds the first fellow heard a loud plop.

Man I wish that was me the first man said.

The second man said so do I, that was my pocket watch falling in.
 
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Clint Geller

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I have a dollar watch somewhere with a dial inscribed "STURDY". Only some joker had rubbed out the S and the Y with a pencil eraser.
 

bruce linde

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I had a friend who wore a watch that had no hands and just said NOW on the dial… But I don’t think he was joking
 

Brad Maisto

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True story, when I moved to Indiana many moons ago, I asked some one why the State did not change their clocks in the Spring and Fall. The farmer answered, “How will the milking cows know”.
Brad Maisto (almost lives in Kentucky now), KY Floral #44 Secretary
 

Schatznut

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